The Fifth Element

Interestingly what I take away from my notes from this month (and knowing what isn't written) is how difficult it can be to not be affected by negative influence and how my love of art and music helps me to remain positive.

Day 1. 9/13

Five is my favorite number.

I was able to start my day with an early morning walk and it was a delightful way to start off this months round.

Today was uneventful in the chemo room. My port worked fine so that's a worry I can check off the list. Even though I probably technically shouldn't have been driving, I went to see how my art did at the county fair after I got home. I am humbled and thrilled that something that I love to do has been validated as good! I still find it unbelievable that I am entering and placing in a professional division - it is all very surreal.

I'm hoping the happy from all that will help overshadow any icky that I feel like I'm going to have tonight.

Sleep evaded me most of the night. No real dreadful reason. Second day of treatment went easy. I am a little nauseated but it's ignorable. I resisted any exercise other than a little bit of store moseying.

Not much appetite to start the day. I did a few miles on ol' Schwinn in lieu of walking since I wasn't sure how well I would feel. I didn't want to get a half mile away and start feeling crummy.

Whew. Starting this day with zero energy. Maybe even negative energy. Yuck.

No appetite.

I wonder if this is how a sloth feels and that's why they move so slow. If so, I feel sorry for that life.

No walking for me again today - boo.

My arms and shoulders are sore for no reason. Ugh.

D6-7

Nothing to say I guess. I feel alright aside from getting tired easily.

Guess I'm getting used to it.

Walking/biking anyway

I am reminded that it is ultimately up to me to protect my weakened immune system. When other people make an effort to help me stay healthy it means the world. Funny how one day can produce such contrast.

Rainy days are good days to do art.

D10

The reality of my situation creeps in at the start of this day and it is a lonely place. My thoughts about how I allow others make me feel have only whatever power I give them. So I practiced my ability to redirect them in a more positive direction.

My walk this morning may have been done at record pace and was instrumental in moving me past the negative start to the day.

The most important note from today is that I ended it on much happier notes; covered in purple confetti.

D11

Operating on just a handful of hours of sleep from last nights happy notes didn't prove to be too difficult.

D12

In the wee hours of the morning I ordered a book that will (hopefully) teach me a new art technique. I'm excited to see if I can do it.

I did my mile+ and have concluded that I can't slow down. The challenge is going to be in not going any faster.

D13

A do nothing kind of day. I can feel that major tiredness I've grown so accustomed to. The middle of my back is numb again. Weird.

I was asked to do an art cover for a single release from someone I do not know. I'm not sure if I will do it but being asked to is kind of exciting.

D14

Taking it easy • relishing in the tiredness.

D15

There's equal levels of excitement and dread when going to see if my entries did any good at the fair in Tulsa. Turns out I did okay!

As I was walking into the building when we arrived I vividly remembered what bad shape I was in last year. Even as I walked all over the fair I would occasionally give a little miniature prayer of thanks for where I am today.

D16

I've taken a few days off from walking/biking because my body said I should. I'm learning to listen.

I entered into the last show for my arts. I've never done this one before and I'm not sure how I'll do amongst these artists. Mine feels different but it did get a smile and a chuckle out of the guy taking them in. The good thing is I only have to wait for a couple of days to find out if anybody else likes my stuff.

D17

I walked at sunrise and it was delightful. Other than that I didn't do much and I feel good.

D18

Started the day doing crafty things. Always a good time. I placed third in the Pryor art show which is quite an honor amongst such talent. I am again inspired to keep my brushes busy.

I felt sick this evening for no good reason. It passed but was pretty unpleasant for a bit. Probably just a gentle reminder of that chemical romance I have going on.

D19

Today is my Ct scan to determine if the chemo has done its job and if I will be done after my next round.

Prayers like this morning's are sometimes the most difficult. They're the ones where I simply ask for acceptance and gratitude for whatever had already been decided for me.

I had to tell myself at the imaging center that my earlier prayer must also include the cost of this scan. The truth is that I am so tired of mounting medical bills. I'll keep telling myself not to worry - it will be worth it

I intended to walk when I got home but it seems as though I'm a little low on fluids as I had no veins to access for my Ct. This ugly port finally came in handy. My arms are also killing me for no real reason.

Ugh.

D20

And just like that my arms don't hurt. So weird. I have a theory I will test out...stay tuned.

Also, I feel enormous and I don't like it.

D21

I walked briskly this morning...1 1/2 miles in 26 minutes. It was warm but it felt good to sweat. As I suspected my sore biceps are the result of walking. Good to know. I attempted to contain them today and it seems to be less of a nuisance than it has been.

I have had a great desire for cantaloupe lately. I don't know why but I can't seem to get enough of it. Neither can Helen. I'm happy that consuming it is beneficial.

D22

Waking up to the sound of rain is exceptionally comforting today. It's a good rain.

I lost 4 pounds overnight. I'm hoping it's the result of yesterday's sweating and cantaloupe consumption and not something more sinister.

D23

I've been awake since 2am. Not sure why. I purposely walked later and slower today. I've absorbed lots of news over the past 24 hours. Not all of it good but am trying to just absorb it and not worry over any of it...my new tactic.

I was able to read the 'impressions' from my Ct scan. I was optimistic. I'm on the fence now...absorbing.

D24

I've realized that each time I've typed in the numbers on the last few day I am thinking of how close I am to having to start it all over with the tired. What a crummy addition to a potentially good day!

Another crummy addition was OU losing to stinky Texas. It is made better with pizza and family.

D25

Nothing big today. We watched a couple of scary movies with Syd n Cade. That was enough to make it a good day for me!

D26

Today the doctor gave me the results from my Ct scan. I'm still moving in the right direction so that's what I'm hanging on to. I'll go for another bone marrow biopsy in a few weeks with high hopes of it showing no lymphoma. When he shows me the images I am reminded of the results of my tests from six months ago. That reminder makes it easier to focus on hope instead of frustration. If these next biopsy results aren't in my favor and it means more treatments, then that's what it will mean. I will remain thankful that treatments exist to help me keep chiseling away this.

D27

A rainy, stormy day; which is my favorite kind of day to stay in and paint. That is just about all I did. Mindless art.

It was so mindless that I ignored the tornado warning on my phone

for about 5 minutes.

D28

Just a regular ol day.

* * * * *

Noted this from not sure what day:

I couldn't sleep yet again last night for a variety of reasons. Mostly my mind struggling with how I can get things accomplished and noises. I finally conceded and got up at around 2 am to look at my phone in hopes it would rest my mind and the noises would stop. Right away I read a post about childhood cancer. Suddenly my thoughts shift to overwhelming sympathy for children who have to attend other children's funerals and have to battle the monster. I eventually drifted off for a few minutes of sleep with a prayer of hope for the parents and the families and the children themselves. I pray they never lose hope.

Maybe today they'll win.