Fourth Place

Looking back at this last month's notes it seems like time is going by so slowly. I'm more than ready to have all of this behind me however I recognize the need to resolve myself to accept whatever length of time this is going to take.

Just the other day I went to get a small backpack to take with me for my next round of treatment. In it was a large ace bandage that a few months ago I was having to use almost daily to wrap tightly around myself in order to minimize pain. It reminded me that it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't even stand for any decent amount of time. It was an unexpected and unpleasant reminder but one I need to keep in mind.

I need to remember this kind of thing when I get really tired from my chemo...or when I can't do some of the things I want to do because of the germ factor...or when I get annoyed at having to have an ugly port.

Whether time is really going by slower or not, I'm going to be

okay with this process taking as long as it needs to. And I hope that I never lose sight of having made such big progress.

Here's this past month's notes...

Day 1. 8/16

Number four. Nothing major today but I do feel things. It’s like I'm thinking in slow motion

…weird

I started this round with a little bit lower blood counts than I have in the past

so I'm hoping that doesn't cause anything funky.

During my treatment I was the recipient of a hand made drawstring bag from

a non profit group. It was full of things that make chemo a little more pleasant

to go through. Generosity and compassion from complete strangers is moving.

And then, unknown to her and just like last month, I came home from treatment

to a package from Anna full of sweet thoughtfulness. It also contained a mug

that says 'you are so loved'. I certainly feel that way today!

D2

I spent a good deal of last night telling myself I wasn't going to get sick. It worked.

I was given some long lasting anti nausea meds with today's treatment and it

worked. My appetite began picking up a little as the day went along.

I write this as if it were a big deal when really the biggest thing about it is that I

haven't been able to dive into the sweetness from yesterday.

D3

Family always has a way of making things better.

D4

Things must be catching up to me from the past few days. My body feels

completely drained. I spent a good portion of the day doing art in an effort to

be mildly productive. Im hoping my fatigue improves before tomorrow.

D5

I started out somewhat rested. I did my Monday morning mile+ after I drove

my route...not the greatest idea I've ever had.

I'm wondering if the reason I'm feeling so low so quickly is because I started

out with such a low counts...I dunno. I ended the afternoon and evening being

nauseated and just all over ick.

D6

My joints hurt all night long. Shoulders, hips and ankles-ouch. That's a first. I

somewhat slept for twelve hours but I was still tired this morning. I also keep

having a feeling like my spine goes numb. With the amount of water I drink it's

a mystery how I could possibly be dehydrated yet the Dr wants me to go in

for the next three days for hydration IVs :/

D7

Happy birthday to me.

I went in for day one of IV hydration.

One of the highlights of my day was an unexpected meet up with one of my

doctors at the hospital waiting room during Jimmy surgery. Our conversation was

one I hadn't been able to have with him since the development of the monster

I am fighting now. His reassurance and confirmation that I needn't be concerned

about the cancer that he had been treating over the past three years was

the best gift I could have gotten!

D8

Day two of three of IV hydration. My body still feels pretty exhausted but I'm not

as nauseated and my joints aren't screaming so I wont complain.

D9

I feel like a water balloon.

I was able to pass on day three of IVs-yay!

I came home and walked my distance a lot later than I am used to. But I

thoroughly enjoyed my time outside. It felt good to sweat out some of that

hydration I spent the last two days getting!

I spent the afternoon sorting through what arts I would enter into what shows.

Remembering that I enter last years paintings in professional categories made

me excited and amazed again for the ribbons I had won.

I'm ending the day wishing I hadn't eaten dinner.

D10

I still have that deep down exhausted feeling. Baseball, a kraut dog and fireworks

helped me forget about it

D11

I ate big breakfast with jana and matt for a belated birthday. I didn't do diddly

squat the rest of the day and started feeling drained by afternoon anyway.

D12

My cardiologist visit went very well today. Besides a good physical report I was

able to get a 10k billing mistake erased. That could be a much easier and just

as effective stress test than the nuclear one they billed me wrong for.

I came home from the dr today and did my 1.5 mile walk. I did it in 27 minutes

with a heat index of 101. I do some really stupid stuff.

Speaking of which...I think I'm gonna do the Tulsa Zoo Run in October.

D13

Nothing spectacular today.

I feel good and Jackie keeps telling me I look cute so there's that...

D14

I have nothing to complain about other than the after effects I have done to

myself today. Like the ones from walking my mile and a half in 25 minutes!

Its not really so bad; I just wanted to make a note of my time :)

D15

A day to reflect on how things we have done in our past can and do still affect

other people decades later.

Note to self: no matter what results from today, remember how good you feel

right now and keep moving forward with positivity and the knowledge that

nothing defines you but you

D16

Nothing spectacular today. I walked my mile and a half in 25 minutes again. I

love to sweat :)

It's gonna be a long weekend so I'm hoping to get a couple of bigger art pieces

done.

D17

No complaints in the health department! I was able to finish one of my arts.

Helen made it challenging to stay focused. I never thought I'd holler my aunt

Helen's name so many times a day in so many different ways :)

D18

My body decided I needed to take a couple of days off from walking, biking and

weights. Looking forward to getting back out in the morning.

Last night Jessica and the kids stopped in and they presented me with some

sparky fresh cut flowers. A little bit later Sydney came in with a three musketeers.

This morning Jessica comes down with a big pan of warm cinnamon rolls for us.

I am feeling so spoiled and so loved!!

I was able to spend the afternoon doing some more arts for upcoming events.

I decided cityscapes just aren't really my forte. As always I still enjoyed the

challenge though.

D19

No complaints. The best part of it being a holiday is that I was able to walk my

distance at sunrise this morning.

Other than that I did a little art. I sold a little art. And I prepped a little art for

shows.

I love doing art.

D20

Note to self: Today is a good day. And nothing defines me but me.

D21

Still feeling good. Did my distance and spent the rest of the day finishing up

preps for art to put in shows.

D22

I saw the doctor today. This is my check up before next weeks treatments begin.

Overall things are still going in the right direction. My port is not working right

(which is kind of scary) and if it's still messed up next week we have to do a dye

test to see if it has a kink in it. Heaven only knows what that'll mean if it does.

I'm going to advocate just taking the thing out if its messed up and if the fix

means having to surgically go back in. We'll see how that goes. I am scheduled

to have a Ct scan on October 1 which will determine if I am in fact only going to

have six treatments. That is my hope and prayer. He says my weight gain is a

good sign. I disagree but he knows more than me so I let that one slide.

Probably the most disturbing thing he told me was that I should slow down on

my exercising. I don't have to stop but I definitely don't need to push myself.

Boo.

D23

A quiet day doing art and thinking.

Oh and I rode a few miles on ol' Schwinn so I wouldn't be walking about with

absolutely nobody around to know if I got abducted or murdered in the road.

D24

I enjoyed watching some college football today. At one point my mind wandered

off to when I was young and Ken would let me play football with him on his

magnetic vibrating football field. This was always an honor. Unlike most little

sisters who were lucky enough to play this magical game, I was required to

name my players with real football athletes names. Looking back I am impressed

that I actually knew who a good deal of players were and what teams some of

them played for. I recalled one year him asking me who I thought would win the

Heisman trophy. My go to guy was Joe Theismann. Always Joe Theismann. I am

quite sure my reasoning at the time was because his name rhymed with Heisman

but it turns out, at some point, he was in the running...so I get a free point for that!

Besides the rhyming aspect I do remember that one of the other major statistics

that must have made him Heisman worthy was that he had really cool hair.

It's been a good day.

D25

The temperature was amazing this morning so I walked even though it should

be my day off. I didn't actually go slow but I didn't push myself to go faster so

I'm hoping that counts as slowing down. Looking a little bit forward to not having

to eat for the next week!

D26

One day all alone is enough for me. Unfortunately its not going to be the only

one. It's kind of disturbing to think about being completely alone and it's

something I don't think I've ever really taken the time to ponder too deeply.

I talked to the cats a lot and I did some art. To make lonesomeness have a

silver lining I'm not cooking meals. Tonight is a bowl of steamed broccoli.

That is all. A thin lining but a silver one all the same.

D27

I drove to Tulsa and picked up Jackie and took her to lunch. She is finding it

equally hard to be the only human in a house. I finally got my lab results from

a week ago. Some of my counts are low but they've been lower so I am not

going to sweat it. I feel pretty good.

D28

This is my last day before I do it all again. I'm spending it alone but I'm making

the best of it.

I honestly forget at times that my body is fighting such a nasty disease.

I have so much to be thankful for.